Instagram may be dying a slow death, but some poses will live forever. Suck on that, Snapchat.
1. The Crossing The Street
The aim of this pose is to look busy, like rushing-to-your-next-brand-meeting kind of busy. Take big strides. Show off those legs. Carry an important-looking notebook or folder. Oh and don’t forget to turn your head to look for oncoming traffic…although if we want to get technical, wouldn’t the street have to be somewhat empty in order for the photographer to get the shot?
Expectation
Brownie points if you have a designer bag slung casually on your shoulder. (Source: melissackoh’s Instagram)
Reality
I mean, I’m no Melissa Celestine Koh but I think I did pretty well for a first-timer don’t you think?
Difficulty Rating: 4/5
While The Crossing The Street may look deceivingly casual, it is in reality, frustratingly difficult to perfect. During my day out as a faux fashionista, I had two good friends to help me out (shoutout to @heartsonyou and @tweetmypits) and we er…took a really long time to get a decent shot. Do you know how hard it is to walk in one direction while looking in the other? OK or maybe I’m just uncoordinated. #sad Also, I was really holding my friend’s textbook instead of some important document, but shhh.
2. The One Where You’re Holding A Mysterious Hand
OK, I don’t know HOW this pose even came about but it seems to be all the rage these days. See, The One Where You’re Holding A Mysterious Hand is one of those poses that imply many unspoken things – that you’ve been overcome with a sense of #wanderlust, that you have a boyfriend/husband to accompany you on your quest to fulfil aforementioned wanderlust and most of all, that your boyfriend/husband is actually patient enough to stop and take the damn photo.
Because on the other side of this:
(Source: bellywellyjelly’s Instagram)
Is an impatient guy who looks like this:
“Are we going to eat yet?”
Anyway, how do you think I did?
Difficulty Rating: 3/5
Quarrels over getting this pose down pat will not be unheard of. Firstly, the photographer will have to contort himself to get a good shot. He will also need the steadiest hands in the known universe. But most of all, he will need to understand that sometimes, you have to do ridiculous things for Instagram photos. Like pretend to be running off, when you’re really just posing still so that the photo won’t be blurry.
Do yourself a favour and feed your photographer first before attempting this pose.
3. The #Casual
If there’s one thing Instagram has made me realise, it’s that the difference between style bloggers and regular plebeians (like me) is the way we do #casual. You see, when style bloggers chill out at home in their underwear, they look like this:
(Source: prettyfrown’s Instagram)
I don’t know about you, but when I chill out at home I’m usually stuffing my face with Doritos. While sitting on my lousy couch in non-designer underwear (Unless Hush Puppies is considered designer…are they? Branded what!).
I suppose if I spent that much on underwear and had really nice and clean white sheets, I would want to post casual lying-in-bed photos too. Sadly, #MyHushPuppies are no match for #theirCalvins. Sob.
This is what lying in bed casually really looks like.
Difficulty Rating: 0/5 for the average slob, 3/5 for the pretentious
This pose is a no-brainer. Well, for those of us who don’t mind showing the world what we’re really doing, that is. Because how many of us actually eat nicely-plated breakfasts while lounging on white bedsheets? OK, unless you’re a tai tai I guess.
When it comes to The #Casual, I say…let your freak flag fly. Unapologetically. Show the world that you’re pigging out on junk food while catching up on the latest dramas. Because we all know that’s what really happens anyway.
4. The Yoga in a Bikini
Not to be a prude here, but there are honestly so many barely-there lingerie photos you can post on Instagram before you start to look like a Kylie Jenner wannabe.
But…but…the world must see my bangin’ bod, you say? Enter The Yoga in a Bikini pose, where you now have a legit reason to flaunt your figure. Don’t forget to add #namaste and other yoga-related hashtags for optimal likes.
Also, I would secure that bikini before attempting this pose if I were you.
Expectation
(Source: melodyyap’s Instagram)
Reality
Namaste, bitches.
DIFFICULTY RATING: 2/5
There are a few things to consider before attempting this pose – how flexible you are and what your best angles are (because let’s face it, rolls of fat aren’t a good look when you’re in a skimpy swimsuit).
The most challenging part to this pose though, is keeping your private bits well, private. Seriously, what sorcery is keeping those bikinis from falling off?!
If you’re not a yoga expert, I say leave the Warrior and Pigeon poses to the pros. Instead, go with my all-time favourite yoga pose – the Corpse. Because lying on your back is still considered yoga k. #namaste #savasana
5. The Ear Scratch
Ahhh hands. Can’t live without them, can’t decide where to put them in photos. If the thought of awkward hands is putting you off your daily OOTD shots, try the infallible Ear Scratch. As any good blogger would know, fiddling with your neck/ear/chin is the best solution to dealing with awkward arms. It’s also the perfect way to show off your sponsored #armcandy.
For greater effect, look down/up/to the side and try to drown out the little voice in your head screaming “I feel fucking stupid right now, hurry up and get the damn shot.”
Expectation
(Source: itsfranxcesca’s Instagram)
Reality
Don’t mind me while I fondle my neck in the middle of the street.
Difficulty Rating: 2/5
Pretending to fondle your neck is surprisingly easy. Mastering the perfect smize though? Not so much. Also, I must admit that I got a few weird stares while attempting this pose, but clearly it was because I am so fabulous. All in all, as long as you channel your inner Victoria’s Secret model, you should be fine. Extra points if your photographer can capture the sunlight falling gently on your face.
6. The One Where You’re Posing In A Random Stairwell
The thing with random stairwells is that most people usually take the lift, so the chances of someone catching you in mid-pose are rather low. Also, the dinginess of random stairwells combined with the right filter will make your photo look extra artsy. I mean, not all of us can fly to New York to sit on the Met Steps you know? Besides, it’s all about the #attitude yo.
This pose also has the added bonus of making your legs look much longer. #InstagramHacks
Expectation
(Source: lianmeiting’s Instagram)
Reality
Difficulty Rating: 1/5
This pose was probably the most liberating one on the list, so much so that I think I might have had a bit too much fun with it. Creativity is the name of the game here – a dreamy look into the distance, awkwardly bent legs…anything goes with this pose. I went for my best Swan Lake impression. Graceful, don’t you think? (I sincerely hope the floor was clean though, because I was all over that shit.)
7. The One In The Club
If you want to be extra cool, it is essential to show your followers that you have a happening social life with #yourgirls. This shot is relatively easy to execute – all you need is a skin-tight dress (with holes in the right places, of course), a hot friend to hug and zero sense of where the camera is. NEVER EVER look directly into the camera (unless you want to look like a noob). The key is to look like someone got a candid photo of you. Because #GirlsJustWannaHaveFun right? Stay classy, ladies.
Expectation
(Source: ohmyglobz’s Instagram)
Reality
Difficulty Rating: 1/5 for the ladies, 4/5 for (sober) guys
Gents, it’s best to leave this one to the ladies. Getting your bro to hug you is just plain AWKWARD (thanks Doug for being so sporting though). And mind you, I was sober in this photo. If you need a little liquid courage though, a black and white filter will easily hide that annoying Asian flush.
8. The Gym Selfie
One word: Tights. To perfect the infamous Gym Selfie, one must show off your body in the sexiest, trendiest and loudest Lululemon/Under Armour/Nike gym gear you can afford. Nobody wants to see you working out in your old PE T-shirt and FBTs, go away.
Also, take it from me – the best mirrors for selfies are the ones in front of the Squat Rack. However, the success of your shot really depends on how buay paiseh you are, because let’s face it – people are gonna stare, and haters are gonna hate.
Expectation
(Source: 4.98’s Instagram)
Reality
Difficulty Rating: 2/5 for the shameless, 5/5 for the average human being
I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. I had my best tights on, armed with my phone and steely resolve…but the moment I walked into the gym, it was like a million pairs of eyes swivelled to stare at me. Almost as if they knew what I was about to do, and were already judging me for it.
So yes, I chickened out and waited until the locker room emptied before taking this shot. I took off my shirt, pushed my butt up high, put on my best duck face, then got the hell outta there. I still feel kind of dirty from it all.
9. The One With Half Your Face
Some days you just can’t get the right facial expression for photos. You smile, it looks awkward. You try to look serious, and it looks even more awkward. Cue The One With Half Your Face pose. Voila! Now you can show off your outfit details, without having to deal with an uncooperative face. Don’t forget to tap for deets.
Expectation
(Source: lianmeiting’s Instagram)
Reality
Difficulty Rating: 1/5
This was by far the easiest pose to do. Blank wall: check. Sponsored outfit: check. (OK maybe not. That T-shirt is actually mine because sadly no blogshop has sponsored my OOTDs yet.)
Also, since The One With Half Your Face only includes well, half your face, you really only need to have lipstick on – which means that you can easily pull off this shot in the privacy of your home, instead of subjecting yourself to judgy public eyes.
10. The One Where You’re In First Class
Let’s face it – victory tastes extra sweet when rubbed in the faces of lesser mortals and wannabes. You know it, I know it.
For the select few who’ve worked their asses off (or got lucky enough) to travel in style, you’ll want to show the world that you’ve arrived. And there’s no better way to do that than a picture of yourself in First Class (or a private jet). A photo of yourself poppin’ Cristal on a private yacht will suffice as well.
Expectation
(Source: dreachong’s Instagram)
Reality
Difficulty Rating: 3/5
No private jet to look wistfully out the window from? No problem, any window will do. Instead of a bird’s eye view of the world, I had a bird’s eye view of well, birds. And the building across the road. Same same but different.
Who needs a private jet when you have a little imagination? OK but seriously though, are my balancing skills not amazing.
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