Go on, admit it. We all have Facebook friends we love to hate. You know, the kind we want to shout “Will you just shut up!” at, or would love to secretly delete.
To those who don’t have a Facebook account, whatever. Your poor excuse of “Facebook’s so stupid and it’s an invasion of privacy” is so passè. You’re a walking cliche of I’m Too Cool For School. You know you want to stalk people on Facebook just as much as the rest of us.
Annoying Facebook Friend no. 1: The cryptic and ambiguous friend
The following Facebook status updates apply here:
“I can’t believe this happened to me, I did all I could yet this happens. Why? Why me?”
“I hope you get your just desserts, you rotting, lying scum of the earth.”
Posts like these can only ever get one response: “What happened?”. This is exactly what they’re looking for. In fact, they’ll take their ambiguity one step further and reply with “nothing, tell you next time”.
OH. EM. GEE. Just f*cking tell me already! Or shut the f*ck up.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 2: The Ranter
I kid you not, this really was found on my Facebook, one rant after the other (time stamp proves it). Don’t you get tired of listening to yourself?
Let’s get one thing straight, as much as it’s your personal account, Facebook is not your personal ranting space. The rules of social engagement should apply both online and offline.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 3: The unnecessary updater
Seriously, TMI. Your friends do NOT need to know how many dumps you’re taking in a day, even if it makes your day stink (literally). We also don’t need to know how many coffees you’ve had, or how hot it was as you walked to the bus stop.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 4: The Quoter
Okay, they’re not so much annoying as they are trying to sound smart with the use of someone else’s work. Doing a quick Google search takes us to hundreds of pages of quotes relevant to just about anything.
“Do or do not…”? I do not care.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 5: The Attention Seeker
You talk about it like it’s a bad thing, but you really just want the world to know that you think you’re hot stuff.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 6: The Parent/Relative
Some of you may be lucky enough to have parents and relatives who still don’t know where the power button for a computer is. My guess is, quite a few of us have “cool” parents who want to be hip and have a Facebook account. This means major censorship of photos and status updates. It’s a good thing they’re not too clued in on acronyms. FTW.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 7: The location updater
I’ve never understood the purpose of Foursquare, or the need to tell the world where you are every hour of the day. Why is there a sudden phenomenon of people who think that others actually care to know where they are and what they’re doing 24/7?
I’m going to start a new trend – I’m going to update my Facebook everytime I burp and/or fart.
“*Burrrrp* Man I don’t what I just ate, but I just *burrrrp*, damn I did it again.”
Annoying Facebook friend no. 8: The i-need-photos-of-all-my-food friend
Unless the food is extremely special or you take extremely good shots of food, five albums dedicated to food pictures just gets really boring. How many times can one say “Ooh, looks yummy!”?
(Check out TPOPTPOF, that’s a lot more fun)
Annoying Facebook friend no. 9: The Sharer
Ever since Facebook got a revamp, everyone’s taken it upon themselves to vehemently “share” the bullshit they think are meaningful. Take the image above as an example – it features a sad photo of a woman crying, followed by a beautiful story about why God made women special.
The catch is this: that is a photo of a woman who was charged with the murder of her child. And while she was acquitted, it still shows how little people think before reposting. Come on guys, Facebook ain’t Tumblr.
Annoying Facebook friend no. 10: The requester a.k.a Facebook Game Whore
I don’t want to play Farmville, Cityville or any other stupid game which you need me to accept your request so you can get a cow, a pig or a chicken.
Unlike you, I have a life and am not stuck to the computer playing ridiculous games. [Ooh! Did someone just say Angry Birds? Gimme!]
I honestly hope you appreciate this article. I literally had to sift through annoying friends’ Facebook pages to get you all the accompanying screenshots.
Now here’s to hoping they don’t read this article and identify themselves.
*proceeds to tag article on Facebook*
[Author’s sidenote: Faces and names of individuals have been blurred out not to protect their identity, but to show them as they are – faceless, ghost-like invidivuals. And so they won’t Facebook about me.]